Are you setting the best kinds of boundaries?
Most think boundaries are simply saying no. And, at times, it really is that simple.
Artful boundaries, though, are those that honor each and every person involved in an interaction.
Whether that’s you and yourself or you and your mother or you and your boss… you get the picture. If we frame boundaries as a way of building a container for meaningful interaction that really and truly honors everyone involved, there are all sorts of boundaries you could -- and maybe should -- be setting.
By the end of this article, you’ll be familiar with all of the outward and inner boundaries that are among the most significant when it comes to setting artful boundaries.
Let’s start with the two main categories of boundaries: those that are outward facing and those that are inward facing.
Consider the analogy of boundaries as a house. Those external boundaries are equivalent to the walls, doors, and windows that are seen and may be approached from the outside. The facade of the home that allows or denies visitors.
Internal boundaries are the equivalent of rooms and doors inside the house that separate common spaces, hallways, closets, and rooms.
In the rest of this article, we’ll walk through specific types of boundaries, including physical space, conversational, behavioral, time, and thought. Some of these boundaries fall in both categories, some in one or another (you can’t set limits on someone else’s thought, no matter how hard you might try). We’ll define what these boundaries are, and then you’ll get some starter stock phrases to help you start to set that particular type of boundary.
External Boundaries
Recall the analogy of boundaries as a house. You live inside the house, and you get to decide who gets to cross the threshold into your home. These are your external boundaries. You must communicate with the people around you in order to set them artfully, and varying degrees of thoughtfulness are required, based on the boundary set, and the timeline necessary.
Physical space.
When I was in med school, I joined a student organization whose purpose was to emphasize the non-physical aspects of healing. At the first meeting of that group, one of the leaders, a towering 6-foot man, had us stand up and greet one another with a nod, handshake, hug… whatever felt best for the two people involved.
Throughout the exercise I hugged a few classmates with whom I had a close relationship, shook a few hands of folks I didn’t know so well. As this dance of greetings unfolded, I saw the leader hugging everyone, without distinction.
When the leader and I approached each other, I absolutely did not want to hug him. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable to hug folks I don’t know, and all the more so when the person in question is far more physically imposing than my 5’2” frame.
I didn’t say anything, but the way I held myself and the very clear “No” energetic stance I held must have been what made him stop short about 2 feet away from me. As he stopped, he folded his hands in front of his chest and gently bowed. Seeing his gesture, I happily reciprocated, safe within the confines of my personal space.
I’m certainly not suggesting a physical boundary can always be set and honored wordlessly. In fact, in most cases it can’t, and I suggest you speak up to avoid ambiguities.
The issue of physical boundaries (and consent) commonly comes up around unwanted hugs or handshakes, meeting folks in the midst of COVID, sexual encounters, and living and working at home and in close proximity. Whatever physical space you need, speak up so that you can get it.
Some good ways to speak your needs include:
No, thank you.
Please don’t touch me.
I’m not comfortable with that.
Would you mind standing back so we can keep our physical distance?
I really like ______[kinds of touch]_______, but not _______[kinds of touch]______.
I’m working until 4:30PM -- do not knock on my door before then unless it is an emergency (blood or fire).
I’m going to go for a walk -- be back in {x} minutes/hours.
Hey, let’s go for a walk outdoors instead of eating at a restaurant.
Conversational Boundaries
Some topics aren’t up for discussion. Especially if the discussion is disrespectful and/or rude on any side. Conversational boundaries acknowledge this fact and either set limits and/or take those topics fully off the table. As the holidays are upon us, conversational boundaries are some of the most helpful you can set, especially in the tenderest space of family relationship.
Some of the issues that might deserve a conversational boundary include preferences and decisions around:
Family planning
Job changes
Child-rearing
Intimate partnerships
Political affiliation
Finances and financial planning, and/or
Religious affiliation.
Generally, I’m of the mind that curious and open discussion does far more good than ill. And/however, there are cases of judgemental commentary and arguments fueled by ego.
It is in the case of the later I urge you to set clear conversational boundaries that might go something like this:
Thanks for your thoughts. I’m comfortable with my decision.
This isn’t up for discussion.
There’s so much going on in the world around us, it’s really not worth it to me to fight.
I respect your decisions, and I expect you to respect mine.
If we can’t keep level heads around this topic, we need to change the subject.
Well, it sounds like we have very different perspectives.
Until you’re ready to talk about ___[topic]____ with respect, it’s off the table.
This is my call, and the decision is made.
Behavioral Boundaries
What the folks around you do may cross a line just as easily as something they say. This is especially true if you’re parenting children in any capacity, but can be equally true in adult relationships, both personal and professional. Behaviors of others that frequently highlight an opportunity to set an artful boundary include:
Regularly calling after hours
Dropping in unannounced (if you’re not into that sort of thing)
Interrupting
Threats of any kind
Demeaning words or actions
Public shaming
Not replacing used items (replacing toilet paper, refilling a water filter, etc)
Inappropriate cell phone use in a group setting or activity
Neglecting to clean up after oneself
The boundary you set will necessarily change based on the situation. If you’re receiving threats, the best boundary is a restraining order. Meanwhile, if you’ve been publicly shamed, a private word with your supervisor requesting you receive feedback in private may be the best option. The boundary set with a spouse who doesn’t clean up their dishes is going to look different still (that’s a more in-depth conversation for sure!).
Whatever your politics, we all had a great example of an artful boundary in no uncertain terms when, during a debate this year, Kamala Harris respectfully, calmly, and clearly said “Excuse me Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking.” (see the video here, in case you missed it).
Time Boundaries
Although time boundaries go hand in hand with behaviors (calling or texting during off hours, for example), they warrant their own category given the pressure many women feel to give indiscriminately of their only non-renewable resource (we’ll come back to this in internal boundaries as well).
If you’re in business for yourself, you’ve undoubtedly faced a situation where your client decided they wanted some addition to a project that would require far more time than you both initially agreed to.
“Oh, you can just add this on, right?”
How often did you renegotiate the proposal or contract accordingly? How often did you simply let it slide and finish the extra work, because it was ‘easier’?
Or maybe you’re not in business for yourself, but your direct supervisor piles more and more and more onto your desk… ‘Oh, just one more thing before the weekend…’ and suddenly you’re working through friday night… and Saturday… oh, and just a few hours on Sunday…
Stop it.
Your time is truly precious, and you deserve to use it as YOU see fit (check out this Wall Street Journal article on how to start cutting out tasks that don’t deserve your time).
Here are some preferred ways to set artfully protect your most precious commodity:
I can look at that tomorrow/next week.
Oh, I turn my off everyday at 8:00PM.
Email signature: “I check my email once per day at 12PM. In order to craft a thoughtful response, I may not respond for 24-36 hours. If you haven’t heard back in a week, something may have slipped through the cracks! Ping me again and please accept my apologies!”
Phone voicemail outgoing message: “Thanks for your call! I check my voicemails once per day at 9:30AM and do my best to respond within 24 hours.”
I have enough time to complete ___[aspect of project]___ to a high standard; or I can do ___[full scope of project]___ to a middling standard. What would you prefer?
How am I supposed to do that?
Certainly I can complete that project for you! I’ll send over an updated proposal and start work as soon as I have it signed.
Thanks so much for thinking of me! I think ___[colleague]___ would be a much better fit. Do you have their contact info?
I can’t give that my full attention today, but certainly next week/month if you circle back I can fit it in.
Internal Boundaries
These are boundaries you hold with and for yourself. When it comes to our house analogy, internal facing boundaries are akin to the doors to your bedroom, bathroom, and any other private spaces you tend to inhabit on your own.
These are the lines you hold with and for yourself because they help you maintain your health, peace of mind, focus, energy, and sense of self. Obviously, they are highly subjective, and no one can tell you what internal boundaries make the most sense for you.
Below are listed some of the more common internal boundaries that show up in my practice with 1-1 clients and how to tackle them.
Thought patterns
If your mind isn’t right, nothing else will be right. You can have a life that’s picture perfect, but if your thoughts are such that all you’re seeing is the mess of negative…. Well, it’s not going to be so enjoyable.
There is tremendous nuance here -- many folks hear ‘positive thinking’ or ‘your thoughts determine your life’ and decide they must eschew any and all negative thoughts and/or feelings.
Not so.
Notice your thoughts and give yourself permission to feel your feelings.
Note that I didn’t say believe your thoughts. Notice they’re present and get curious about what’s going on there. Emotions are such critical information, and, while you certainly shouldn’t act on them all, they’re there for a reason. Trying to ‘positively think’ your way out of grief, anger, sadness, jealousy, etc will only magnify those emotions and make them harder to deal with when the time comes.
And, believe you me, the time to deal with these things always comes.
[Sidenote: I absolutely adore this Mental Detox program if you’re looking for a concrete way to jumpstart getting to know your thoughts better. I’m not an affiliate -- i.e. I don’t get paid for recommending it -- but I did give this program a test-run and think it’s one of the best non-therapy introspective programs you can do.]
So how the heck do you set boundaries around thought patterns?
By deciding that for each negative thought you have about yourself, your ability, your worthiness, or your physical appearance you’ll consciously counter with a neutral or positive thought that is both believable and leaves you feeling at least a little bit of relief.
For example, you notice a thought that “I’m not doing as well as I should be for my age/training.” Alright, well, it could also be true that “I’m doing the best I can, and am learning a little bit more every day.”
I recommend to my 1-1 clients that they sit down and write out each of the negative beliefs they hold about themselves. It could be pertaining to work, personal relationships, physical appearance, ability… anything. Then, after alllll those negative thoughts are out on paper, I have folks go back and, right alongside those thoughts, write a more neutral or positive thought.
It’s darn near magic to see the transformation that happens with the use of this practice.
Yes, you may always have that inner saboteur who is so generous as to provide a healthy dose of imposter syndrome, you will not believe what that saboteur has to say.
Time Boundaries
There are time boundaries we set with others (please turn off your phone by 8PM at the latest), and time boundaries we set with ourselves (please turn off your phone by 8PM at the latest).
The social scroll vortex is real. As is the ‘need’ to get the laundry done, dishes put away, have a home-made family meal at the ready, AND help the kids with nothing less than A+ quality homework all in the span of 18 hours or less. Oh, and exercise, meditate, journal, respond to work emails, finish up that project that came in on Friday and is due on Monday…
STOP.
Please do yourself a favor and stop.
If I’m feeling stressed writing out that list, how much more stressful must it be to be living it?
I know you know.
Set some time boundaries with yourself.
Bedtime is a great one to start with.
Some other great examples include:
Time limits on phone time/apps/binge watching (ex: three episodes max, or two hours)
Setting time aside to rest throughout the day -- take your 15 already!
Choosing ONE priority item per day
Dumping your email app from your phone
Dumping social media apps from your phone
Turning OFF notifications for any email or social media apps you keep on your phone
Keeping your computer powered down for at least one day per week (yes, the WHOLE day)
Scheduling family time
Scheduling alone time
Scheduling work time
The list goes on and on…
The thing that trips many women up here is that they realize pretty quickly that they can’t do all the things they were doing AND set limits on their time.
You may have spotted that one too. Yes, you’re going to have to a.) drop some stuff and/or b.) ask for help.
If you’re not sure where to get started, check out Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu and Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. Both contain phenomenal, actionable, and practical info to help you set great boundaries for yourself with your time (and energy too).
Behavioral Boundaries
Just like there are behaviors that other folks have that are disrespectful to you, you may also have behaviors (or a lack of behaviors) that are not helpful or downright harmful to you.
Setting boundaries around your time is one example.
Others include:
Not tending to your health (nutrition, rest, movement, clean air, clean water)
Obsessing about your health (nutrition, rest, movement, clean air, clean water)
Excessive alcohol consumption
Not drinking enough water
Ignoring activities that feed your heart and soul
Hyperfocus on work to the exclusion of all else
Inadequate rest
Not seeking help or support when needed (in any arena of life)
Not setting boundaries, with yourself or others.
The best way to get started here is to notice, when you were reading this list, what jumped out at you?
Which of the above makes you groan a little, maybe audibly?
That’s where you need to dive in and get your hands dirty.
As you can tell, that list is fairly broad, and I’m not going to walk through each and every behavioral boundary you might want to set for yourself. Most everyone I talk with already knows what they would most benefit from, and our work together comes to unravelling the resistance and figuring out how to get the ball rolling.
Remember, setting artful boundaries is simply the practice of setting a container for meaningful interaction while honoring everyone involved in the interaction. As long as you stay tuned in and aligned with your integrity, you’re doing it right.
Of course, if you’re in a place where you’ve gotten as far as you can trying to figure it out on your own, get in touch.
Meanwhile, the Artful Boundary Mastermind is set to launch in 2021 with limited availability — get early access to secure your spot here.