How to Honor Someone Else’s Boundaries When it’s Hard
Noticing when folks are crossing your boundaries is one thing… but what about when you find yourself willfully ignoring another person’s boundaries?
This happened to me a few weeks ago, as a sweet candid photo was shared to a family chat. The subject of the photo had asked that it not be taken in the first place, and then, after it was shared, they were (rightfully so) angry. They asked everyone please delete that photo if anyone had downloaded it (I had).
My first reaction to the drama? I rolled my eyes, thinking oh my goodness, who cares? They’re not going to know if I have it or not, and I’m trying to collect more family photos.
*insert record scratch sound here*
Let me be clear: I’m not proud of that reaction, and it’s true. It’s a reaction I’ve been on both sides of. It comes up not infrequently with parents, I find, who think their children are ‘overdramatic’.
And yet, if we are wanting to set boundaries and have folks honor them, we too must honor the boundaries other folks set. Trust being a two way street and all that.
My thoughts and emotions were not so clear in that moment. I noticed a few thoughts ran through my mind in quick succession:
This is so dumb, who cares anyhow?
I’m collecting photos for a family yearbook — she won’t remember this if I put it in.
But they asked for it to be deleted, so I can’t put it in.
Ugh, why does this even matter?
Well, it matters to them, and they made a clear request.
I still think this is stupid.
I’ve been in that seat before, and it was an awful feeling to have folks not honor my request.
It really doesn’t matter what I think, anyhow, it’s not a photo of me.
Ok, I guess I’ll delete it.
Meanwhile, alongside the thoughts, were some (surprisingly large) emotions like irritation, defensiveness, and frustration.
I share this to highlight and normalize a couple of things:
Setting boundaries can be hard. It can be just as hard to honor boundaries set by others. Particularly if we don’t understand why the other person is setting them.
This is important: you don’t need to understand why someone is setting a boundary in order to honor it.
It’s ok (preferable) to step back for a minute and get your head on straight. If someone is setting a boundary you don’t necessarily agree with or understand, take a minute! Step away from the situation. Remember your priorities. In this case mine was (is) to help the family be a healthy and safe space for everyone in it. Whether or not I think a request to delete a photo is silly or not doesn’t matter — my breaching that request inherently makes the space unsafe for that person, and for everyone else, because how would they know if they could trust me with big things if not with a seemingly small thing?
One last point: As all this unfolded, I was a spectator. I had no direct action in the initial photo taking or photo sharing. No one knew I had downloaded that photo, or that I deleted it when asked (albeit after a few minutes of contemplation). Until this writing, I didn’t share my thoughts or process with anyone — it was a totally private, internal process.
This is important. It wasn’t my job to go say ‘why can’t I just keep it?’ or ‘it’s just a photo, and I like it, so I think I’ll hang on to it.’ or ‘this is so silly that you care; it’s just a photo!’ or ‘tell me why this matters so much. I’m not going to do this if I don’t understand.’ or ‘don’t be so dramatic.’
My job was simply (and only) to honor the request.
My mental gymnastics, irritation, and defensiveness were certainly not the boundary-setter’s job. Nor was it their job to justify themselves, or to help me understand. My emotions were (are) always and only my responsibility. Just like their emotions are their responsibility. It’s easy to want to pan off our own emotional regulation (the process of noticing, feeling, and moving through an emotional experience) to someone else. Especially if we’re on the side of ‘this seems silly to me and I don’t get it.’ Depending on the nature of the relationship, it may sometimes be totally appropriate and helpful to say “Hey, I care about you and would like to understand you better. Could you explain why x, y, z is important for you?”
Then again, maybe not.
Either way, it’s worth noticing when and where you have resistance to the boundaries other people set. These can be treasure troves of self-knowledge and places where relationships might begin to repair and grow in new ways.
Of course, every situation is different. What I’ve described was relatively minor. Working with a professional can be a tremendous help, and is never anything to be ashamed of!
In the meantime, if you’re struggling with setting boundaries yourself, you can grab the Artful Boundaries Guidebook!