Want to be in Control of Your Life Without being Controlling? Here’s How.
When it comes to mental health, anxiety is the most common diagnoses given in the United States. Theories about why we experience these disorders at such high rates abound, and include genetics/epigenetics, excess systemic inflammation, neurotransmitter imbalance, adverse childhood events and trauma, nutrient imbalance/malnutrition, overstimulation and high expectations of the current culture and more…
Regardless of the cause, the fact is that anxiety pulls you out of the present moment in favor of what might be. Not only does it pull you out of the moment, but it keeps you in a state of fear of all the things that could go wrong. Anxiety can also provide a false sense of security, because if you’re in a state of panic about what could be coming, maybe you can control it. Or, maybe it didn’t happen after all because you were ready for it.
This false logic lays a trap, which can lead to all sorts of problematic behaviors. One of which is a common symptom of anxiety, being irritable and feeling the need to be in control of all things at all times.
For one, this is exhausting — you cannot possibly anticipate everything life could throw at you, and the energy required to try is too, too much. More than you have at your disposal on a daily basis for sure, especially if there’s oh, anything else you’d like to be doing. For two, this puts a strain on relationships — no one likes to be told what they can or cannot do, or to be micromanaged.
The issue stands though, you have anxiety, and you want things to go how you want them to go… so how do you deal without completely burning yourself out and pushing people away wherever you go??
The answer is to set some internal boundaries to re-work your thought patterns.
A brief caveat: there are all sorts of ways to deal with anxiety, and what follows is a foundational skill that takes time and effort to develop. It’s also the most cost effective and long-lasting ways to deal with anxiety long term, and one of the things I’ve seen make the biggest difference in quality of life all around.
If you need more immediate support in the way of medications, supplements, dietary recommendations, spiritual guidance, Reiki healing, and/or counseling/coaching, schedule a complimentary coffee chat today!
You can also grab my favorite supplements to manage anxiety here.
So what the heck is an internal boundary, and how can it help you manage your anxiety and get in control of your life without a need for you to be controlling??
You can read a full rundown of the types of Artful Boundaries here and here, but for our purposes, it’s sufficient to say that an internal boundary is simply a standard you’re setting with yourself, and committing to uphold it. For example, an internal boundary for someone who has a goal of getting fit might be to go for a walk 4 evenings per week after work. Someone who has a goal of having an optimistic outlook might set an internal boundary of not complaining to other people, or to themselves.
Artful Internal Boundary = Setting (and committing to) a personal standard of thought and/or conduct
When it comes to releasing fear and anxiety the mindset shift that must happen is learning to distinguish what’s inside your control from what’s outside your control.
The next step is to surrender to what’s outside of your control, while aligning yourself with what’s inside your control.
If you’re in it and making progress, a bonus step is to take stock and decide if there are things you’ve taken ownership of that aren’t aligned with your values or goals, and then set some more boundaries (internal and/or external) to get those things off your plate.
Let’s walk through these steps one at a time.
What do you actually have control over??
In the biz, there’s a technical term called “locus of control.” Your locus of control refers to how much of life you think you can change, and how much is totally outside your control. Someone with an excessive internal locus of control might think that nothing happens if they don’t make it so, and everything undesirable in their life is their own fault.
A classic example is a student who’s studying for an exam. With an overdeveloped internal locus of control, she thinks that she must know absolutely everything that was said in the class, and spends hours and hours studying at the expense of everything else in her life, including sleep. She takes the test and passes, solidifying her view that everything is, in fact, within her control.
An overdeveloped external locus of control, on the other hand, looks like an extreme victim mentality: life is doing this to me, and there’s nothing I can do to change any of it.
Say there’s another student getting ready to take the same test. “Oh, why bother studying… I’m going to fail anyway, because the teacher’s against me.” So he doesn’t study at all and bombs, again, solidifying his perspective that no matter what, there’s nothing he can do to change any outcomes.
A healthy locus of control is somewhere in the middle, and that’s where we find the truth of the situation. There are some things entirely within your control, and others entirely out of your grasp.
You have actual control over three things, and three things only:
your thoughts, your words, and your behaviors.
Everything else is entirely outside of your control. Period.
In our example of the students, what’s within their control? Their thoughts, words, and behaviors:
A growth mindset to the tune of “This is tough, but I can learn this material.”
Spending time studying, and balancing that time with appropriate sleep, movement, and dietary habits.
Asking the professor for help or clarification on concepts they don’t understand.
Joining a study group.
What’s outside of their control? Absolutely everything else.
What questions the professor puts on the test.
Construction going on outside the room while the test is happening.
Someone else’s noisy pencil scratching.
How the professor or TA grade the exam.
You get the idea.
There’s a remarkable degree of change you can effect with the simple tools of your thoughts, words, and behaviors. If it’s too noisy you can ask the music be turned down. If you need to get a job you can put together a stunning resume. You can train your mind into gratitude instead of dread for a complete shift in perspective and quality of life.
Everything else though is outside of your control, and is better left alone. If someone says ‘no’ to your request that they turn down the music. Whether or not someone is willing or able to hire you based on your resume. What life offers you as fodder for your practice of gratitude.
How can you align your actions and surrender to life?
Once you have a good idea of what’s within or out of your control, it’s up to you to then think, speak, and act in a way that is aligned while surrendering absolutely everything else. This can get complicated fast, and it's the work of a lifetime to learn to live aligned and practice correct surrender. Let’s boil it down to the basics.
Living aligned is the simultaneously breathtakingly simple and mind-blowingly complex matter of being in touch with your highest self or spirit and acting according to that connection. Which is to say that your soul is here on earth with a purpose, and it’s your job to embody that purpose and live it out.
You know you’re on the right path when you feel content, at peace, and well in body, mind, and spirit. You know you’re off base when you feel afraid, anxious, depressed, and unwell in body, mind, and spirit.
For example, say that first student in our example above feels just exhausted studying 18 hours a day. She’s irritable, cranky, and has developed a chronic stomach-ache along with some serious neck pain. Her mind and body are both screaming at her that she’s off track! Life isn’t meant to be painful, but joyous and enjoyable! If she’s smart at life in addition to school, she’ll pick up on those signals and adjust her habits in a way that lets her feel more spacious and easy. Perhaps taking regular breaks, going for a walk in the evening, committing to 8 hours of sleep and a solid, nutrient dense meal every day. Ahhh, yes, that’s the ticket!
Human Design is a system I absolutely ADORE because it provides a clear map or blueprint of what your unique make up and purpose is in this lifetime. A Human Design reading completely removes the guesswork of living life aligned. You can get your Human Design reading here.
Meanwhile, you’ve also got to surrender to what is, and everything that’s outside of your control.
Life will offer you what it offers you! This may seem counter intuitive in a post about learning to take control of your life, but correct surrender is all about doing what’s within your control and letting absolutely everything else go. It’s not your job. This kind of correct surrender allows you to put your time, energy, and effort where it matters: on your thoughts, words, and actions. With your energy thus appropriately occupied, you’re able to move through life from a place of integrity and care, blessing yourself and everyone you meet along the way!
What’s in your control? Whether or not you opt to trust Life to offer you exactly the things you need for your soul’s learning and evolution. How you respond to what Life offers you. What you chose to take on or let pass you by…
Seriously though, Human Design offers allll the tools you need to dance in the paradox of intentionality and surrender with stunning grace. Book your reading, or book a complimentary coffee chat to see if it would be a good resource for you!
What’s currently within your control that you can let go of?
Many (most?) of us have picked up some obligations along the way we maybe didn’t mean to, or that we didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to at the time.
Here are the telltale signs it’s time to knock some stuff off your list for good:
resentment
irritability
overwhelm
poor sleep (more on what to do about that here)
feeling consistently frustrated.
You may have other specific telltale’s that let you know you’ve got too much on your plate. Some folks have an eye twitch that shows up, or back pain, or GI problems. Pay attention to those signals!!
Many women with anxiety who have taken on too much are afraid of what will happen if they let go of any of those things. There’s tremendous fear that if she drops the ball, life will shatter. An image I adore, from author Nora Roberts, is that the key to juggling is to know what balls are plastic, and which ones are glass.
If you’re a mom, you’ll never not be a mom. But which of the balls you juggle within the sphere of ‘mom’ can be dropped with no harm to anyone involved??
If you want to keep your job, you’re going to have to do (most of) the job description. But which balls that you juggle within the sphere of ‘work’ can be dropped without putting your job in jeopardy?
Same goes for being a spouse, friend, volunteer… etc. Some roles are optional (co-worker, volunteer, spouse) while some are not (parent). What of the roles that are optional aren’t serving you anymore?
Pro-Tip: probably at least 20% of the things you think ‘aren’t optional’ actually are 100% unnecessary. You can start as small or as big as you want, but trust and believe that if something feels draining, overwhelming, or stressful, there’s a 99.99999% chance it feels that way because it’s not meant to be on your list in the first place. If nothing else, start devising an exit strategy so you can drop the balls that are absolutely not meant to be juggled by you.
And there you have it, friend!
Of course, this is massively over-simplified for the sake of the blogosphere, but take heart that all it takes is one next step, then the next, then the next. As you start to set some internal boundaries, you’ll get your mind and body back. Before long, you’ll be practicing interpersonal boundaries, and get more and more of your time and energy back.
Here at Artful Boundaries, we’re working on the release of new classes that will help you deal with the anxiety around setting boundaries with your spouse, friends, family, and co-workers.
The next courses, Healing Health Anxiety for Good and The Post COVID Guide to Life, Love, and Boundaries will be released July 14th, 2021. Click here to be notified when they drop!