Do you know what boundaries you need? Here's how to get clear.
Artful boundaries are game. changers.
Got any hopes to:
Drink less,
Save money,
Reconnect with an old friend,
Get better sleep,
Feel safe in your own skin,
Get a raise,
Land a phenomenal client,
EXCEED your sales goals,
Improve your diet,
Move your body more,
Not dread a phone call from [insert (N)narcissistic family member or friend here] (p.s. — you can get more tips on this one specifically here),
Have some kind of peace and quiet at home,
Have fewer raised-voice “discussions” with your spouse,
Spend your time as you damn well please…
… boundaries can get you there. And they absolutely will.
IF you set the right ones, in the right way.
I was talking with a beloved entrepreneur colleague today who said “boundaries are really just milestones!”
And so they are: the right boundaries set in the right way will get you on the highway you need to be on to get where you’re wanting to go:
Ohmygosh, eight hours of sleep for a whole week!
Wow, my partner and I had a conversation about finances and no one raised a voice!
Are you kidding me, I landed the exact client at my best rate yet with no pushback!
Oh shoot, I went to a family function and didn’t rise to Aunt Betty’s leading questions… I actually had… what’s the word? Fun?!
It’s so interesting how much better my energy is lately…
But how do you know just what that ‘right way’ for you to set boundaries is?
Where’s the mapping app that will get you whizzing down the highway past mile marker after mile marker on your way to living in a way that honors both you and everyone you meet?
Of course, here at Artful Boundaries I can’t just give you a one size fits all answer…
There’s (unfortunately? fortunately?) no such thing. It looks different for each of us, in every situation. Even if the situation is the same, if the day and people shift, so may the answer.
But.
What I can do is give you the tools you need to fix up your engine, kick the tires, download the maps you need, chart your course and get going on your way.
By the end of this post, you’ll have questions to guide you through to clarity of heart and mind re: what boundaries you actually need,
Shall we?
TL:DR — Skip the notes and just grab the free download here.
P.S. If you’re feeling out on a lonely limb trying to set boundaries and could use a safe community to learn, talk, and practice, join the waiting list for the Artful Boundaries MasterMind here!
Clarity is great, and also keep in mind…
Before we get into the nitty gritty, let’s get one thing cleared up. Artful Boundaries are not one and done. Not in the clarity finding, not in the setting. What you need yesterday may well be different from what you need tomorrow or next Thursday.
And that’s okay.
Adopt an experimental mindset (‘Let’s see how this goes.’ ‘Oops! What did I learn? How can I do it differently next time?’ ‘ohmygosh that freakin’ worked — let me try it again!’) and have as much grace with yourself as you can possibly muster (‘well shucks… I really wish that didn’t happen that way. I feel so [insert crappy feeling emotion here: shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc] But it did. deep breath Now do I need to make any apologies? How do I move forward using what I learned?’).
Keep practicing. You’ve 100% got this.
Alright. Glad we got that cleared up.
When it comes to clarity of heart and mind, the very best thing you can do for yourself is to get quiet.
Find your place of stillness.
My place of stillness is first thing in the AM in my puffy white chair with a steaming cup of coffee or tea.
In the day, if things start to feel out of hand, my still place is in my ears — every ounce of attention goes to what I hear.
That still point looks different for everyone. Some folks find it in physical movement. Some folks find it with eyes closed on a meditation cushion. Others have it with ear scratchies with furry friends. The only thing required of your still place: no input from voices that are not your own.
Where’s your ideal place of stillness?
What’s your still place when things start to get a little bit bonkers?
Once you’ve identified your still place, the question is, how often do you want/need to go there? How often do you spend time with yourself, without the voices of everyone else in the world rattling around in your mind so that you can actually hear the blessedly soothing sound of your own inner wisdom?
How often do need to spend time in that still place?
Folks who are more introverted and sensitive need this space on the daily. If not more often. Although I love my family more than I can say, I can honestly say I miss the days of solo living when I could go for an entire weekend seeing and talking to no one. In silence.
The extroverts out there may only need that space sparingly — a few times a week maybe.
If you don’t know, try some different times and frequencies out. Not a morning person? How about in the evening? Don’t do sitting super well? Why not have a walk. Finding once a week doesn’t quite cut it? How about every other day?
If you have the intention and take some action to see what works best, you’ll find your way to sweet stillness in one form another.
Then the question becomes:
What do I need?
This is the jumping off point for every boundary you will ever set. If you don’t know what you need, any effort that comes later is going to be fruitless. So, get honest with yourself: what do you actually, truly need?
Often, folks will say “I don’t know” because they’re afraid to admit to themselves that they really do need extra alone time, sleep, more physical touch, less work, more art… whatever it is. To that I say: If there is a desire in your mind, heart, and/or soul, it’s there for a reason. By not honoring that, you’re simply making life so (SO) much harder than it needs to be. It’s okay that you need what you need.
The other reason folks say “I don’t know” is because they genuinely don’t know. They haven’t thought it through or come to any clarity.
To that I say, consider these questions:
What would make you less tired?
Where do you feel the time crunch most acutely?
When/Where does stress show up most acutely?
Where do you wish you had some help?
Where have you tried all the productivity ‘hacks’ and are still coming up short/overwhelmed?
Where does ‘should’ come up in your words and thoughts?
When do you get angry?
These are all absolutely fantastic indicators that a boundary is needed.
What boundary will help me meet that need?
Ok, so you’ve identified a need. Now, how do you get that need met? That’s the Artful Boundary for you to set. It could be anything, really, from do not disturb hours to a bedtime reminder to scheduling family dinners and assigning cooking nights.
What formats are/aren’t acceptable?
In other words, you know the need, you know the boundary. what would be the best way, logistically, to get that boundary set. Do you need to set a daily recurring alarm on your phone for 30 minutes before bedtime? Do you need to set up a family spreadsheet with the weekly menu and grocery list?
How can I get creative?
Come up with 2-5 more options in additions to the ones above. What are ALLLLL the ways you can set that boundary so that it sticks like superglue?
Who do I need to talk to (if anyone)?
If you live alone and are setting a boundary around meal planning, the conversation is between you and you. If you’re in a multi-generational family and figuring out how to share the load amongst everyone, well, a family meeting is in order.
Is this negotiable?
Some boundaries are 100% negotiable. Does it matter who cooks Tuesday or Thursday vs Wednesday or Friday? Maybe, maybe not. Likely this one is pretty negotiable. Do you need to be uninterrupted during a client call unless there’s a major emergency? Probably a little less negotiable. What about respectful behavior? In our house, this one is absolutely non-negotiable, ever. Ever ever. No hitting, no name calling… nope. Did I say not ever, ever, ever??
Where does your boundary fall?
Are there consequences to having this boundary crossed?
(And am I willing and able to enforce these consequences?)
Those boundaries that are highly negotiable likely don’t have any kinds of consequences attached. Ok, somebody forgets to make dinner, so you pull out some leftovers or a frozen meal… whatevs.
Someone gets violent? Oh, you better belieeve there will be consequences to the tune of cutting ties and involving law enforcement and/or social work resources.
Of course, these examples are on the edges of the consequence spectrums. As for you, you have to think through your own situation and decide what consequences (if any) make sense.
The one (very important) caveat: you absolutely MUST be willing and able to follow through on those consequences if the boundary is crossed. 100%. If you communicate a consequence and do NOT follow through, you are undermining your word, undermining trust, and relieving yourself of respect. Don’t. You’re doing a TON of work to set Artful Boundaries, why on earth would you undo that work all on your own???
How is life different if I set this boundary?
In case you missed it, some boundaries can be really terrifying to set. Like, really freakin’ scary. Business owners are afraid to lay down the law with clients for fear of losing clients. Folks in intimate relationships are afraid to lose that close relationship. In a family structure, one Artful Boundary can throw the entire unit into upheaval.
It is 100% not nothing to set an Artful Boundary, my friend.
So, how is life different if you set that boundary? What could change? How might that be better in the long term? Short term?
What am I willing/not willing to give up or put up with?
This is helpful to consider for two reasons. One, if your’e not willing to put up with something, but it’s happening and you’re putting up with it… um, well… you’re willing to put up with it. If you’re really ready to put that to bed, you absolutely need to set a boundary.
On the other side, as you’re setting your Artful Boundary, and it’s a negotiable boundary, what are you willing/unwilling to give or take on? We’ll come back to this in the action plan, but for now, put a pin in it.
Remember — there are no absolute ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to go about setting the boundaries you need to set. So long as you’re honest with yourself about what’s capital-T True from your heart and soul, you’re gonna do great!