How Your Poor Boundaries Actually Support You
Yes, you read that right.
We could spend months on why boundaries are important — and I have, for sure. At the same time, NOT having good boundaries is absolutely supporting you in one way or another. You see, there’re no such thing as ‘bad’ habits, just behaviors that are more or less healthy over the long term. Boundary issues just happen to fall on the less healthy end of the spectrum over the long term.
The truth is that every single behavior benefits you in one way or another.
There are zero things you do that don’t support you in some way:
You hold on to a habit of drinking because it gives you a sense of community, camaraderie, and, for the moment, decreases anxiety.
You keep not exercising because it’s more comfortable to let Netflix play the next episode.
You continue to try to play honest with a narcissistic parent who beats you down using your vulnerability because it supports your idea of what it means to be a good adult child.
You show up to a dreaded dinner party because it lets you off the hook of working on that book idea you’ve had rolling around in your head for months.
You squirm through a lip-service answer (‘oh, when the right person comes along’ or ‘oh, we’ll see, in a few years maybe) when someone asks you when you’re going to get married or have kids because it’s easier than owning up to the fact that you really don’t want to be married or have kids.
Holding on to those ‘bad’ habits is what lets you sit comfortably in the space of the familiar.
Trust me, we’ve all been there, and anyone who tells you different is 100% lying. While you (more than likely) want your life to be different (easier, richer, more fun, healthier, etc), you may also find it damn near impossible to act accordingly.
It’s far more comfortable to stay in these kinds of habits — the ones we know are bad for us — than to confront the fear and/or pain they’re masking.
So, my friend, how are your poor boundaries serving you?
Identifying the benefit of your thoughts, words, and behaviors does a couple of things.
It helps you to find grace and self-compassion. That voice of “I should be better” or “This should be easy… I’m such a dunce for not being able to figure it out.” or “What the f*ck is wrong with me?!” is real and it is oh so strong. The more you can counter that voice with one of “Well, I’m getting some real benefit from this. It makes total sense it’s really challenging to shift!” the more grace and genuine self compassion you’ll be able to have for yourself.
It lets you identify the root cause of a behavior. If you can ID the root, you can start to strategize and sub in other, more healthy over the long term, habits. If you know what you’re actually afraid of, or what you’re getting out of something, you can make a plan and start to address it.
It might be really weird to frame ‘bad’ boundaries in this way. What benefit could they possibly have?! They make you miserable and are stumbling blocks between you and your freedom, right?
Nope! Here’s a list of some ways poor boundaries might be serving you. See what resonates, and keep exploring!
Keeping you from your loneliness
Without boundaries, you’re always up for a connection, peaceful or turbulent. A co-worker could be taking advantage of you, your marriage could be on the rocks, your parent emotionally abusive.
Regardless, you know you can rely on those connections. You know you can rely on that person (or those people) to show up, in one way or another. While frustrating to your logical mind, having that reliable connection is balm for the burning fear of being left out in the cold, all alone.
Why are you afraid to be alone though?
Often it boils down to the fear of confronting, acknowledging, and — ultimately — loving, who you are. Perhaps there’s an inner knowing that if you start to pay attention, you’ll really notice some things you’ll need to change. Which takes work. There could be a deeply entrenched feeling of unworthiness. Maybe something else?
Here’re some ways to begin to work with this fear in a more productive way:
Start to lean into it! We fear what we don’t know or understand — start to learn what it’s like to be alone and the sting will begin to come out. Take 10 minutes a day for a walk by yourself or to listen to some favorite music on your own. Take yourself out for coffee, a drink, or dinner.
Journal for 15 minutes about what reliable connections you’ve maintained by not saying ‘no.’ Do you enjoy these relationships? Do they bring you joy? When you think of these people, what’s the first gut response you have?
Do some mirror gazing — look at yourself in the mirror right in the eyes for 5 minutes. Who do you see? Can you begin to love this person? Level up to 10 or 15 minutes as you practice.
Forestalling a (potential) loss
The risk of loss can be too much to bear at times. This will come up in a moment with grief, economic stability, and more, but for now, it’s just worth acknowledging that there can be some losses that come along with boundary setting.
Not setting boundaries then, forestalls the loss.
Setting boundaries in a marriage can possibly end a marriage. Setting boundaries with a parent can rupture the family dynamics. Telling an anchor client you’re now doing business differently can take a toll on referrals. Bowing out of a committee means you’re not going to see some folks you enjoy as often.
Whatever the loss you’re forestalling, have grace and compassion with yourself. Loss is tough, and it’s okay to be where you’re at.
If you want to start taking steps forward, here are some ideas:
Have an exit strategy, including where you’ll get support. Will you need a family therapist, or a colleague to role-play with?
Take time to get clear on who you are and what you want. Anchor yourself in your ‘why’ to bolster your words and actions.
Make a grief kit. Include whatever is most soothing to you: tea, music, books, photos, a journal and a favorite pen, scented candle or essential oils. If grief comes a knocking, make liberal use of your kit.
Remember: it’s not going to be this way forever. You may at times feel as though the strength has drained out of every cell of your being. It’s okay, and normal. Take the space and time you need, and have faith that your strength will absolutely return with time, faith, and courage to keep moving.
Covering grief
Grief is a crap emotion. It feels awful, and at times, is all consuming. It doesn’t matter what the loss is (a person, a skill, a career, a pet, a place, a relationship…) when the ache of grief wraps its bony, unyielding fingers around you there’s no way out. Only through complete surrender can you find your way through.
It’s no surprise then that many folks avoid grief at all costs. Sometimes through the distraction of TV or movies. Sometimes with sleep, sex, or substances. Other times with endless work and personal projects.
All these strategies of distraction point to poor boundaries, of one type or another. All of these strategies will absolutely catch up with you sooner or later via physical, emotional, and/or relationship or work problems, guaranteed.
If you’ve suffered a loss and are using a lack of boundaries to cope, here are some more healthful ways through the pain:
Listen to this Ponder and Practice episode about dealing with sadness.
Acknowledge your loss, however ‘small’ you think it ‘should’ be to others.
Name what that person, situation, animal, etc brought into your life that’s now absent.
Make space for your grief. Give yourself unstructured time to feel whatever it is that you feel. Reminisce, journal, look at photographs, make a collage, cry, pound a pillow, yell at the Universe at large. Schedule it and honor that time and space as a sacred part of your healing.
Use distraction constructively. Sometimes the feelings are too much and you just gotta get through the day. On those days, acknowledge you’re distracting yourself with your chosen habit, and fully enjoy the distraction.
Get support if you need it. You can find a licensed professional using the Psychology Today Therapist Finder or use one of the many apps now available for distance counseling.
Distracting from pain
Grief is certainly one type of pain, but there are countless others. Emotional pain like depression, anxiety, feeling like you’re not enough, and more. Then there’s chronic physical pain of all kinds.
By not practicing boundaries, you’re allowing yourself some cognitive rest from whatever pain you might be experiencing. Again, it may be distraction through social media, movies and TV, taking on yet another committee, over-eating or drinking, or sleeping 15-20 hours per day.
Rest assured, living with pain day by day is not normal, and there are an incredible number of highly effective supports available to you.
Here are some ways to put yourself on a road to (mostly) pain-free living:
Take enough time to acknowledge and name your pain.
Practice asking for help. It could be calling a friend just to talk, having your spouse draw you a bath, asking your sister to come over for dinner, or something else entirely. It’s ok to take up space, to need and receive support.
Take note of your triggers. This can be an arduous process, but if you can start to make some correlations, you will start to know what boundaries will be the most helpful. Do headaches come on after a rough conversation with your mom? Does your fibro flare after a too-late evening? Time to set up some boundaries in these places.
Get professional help. Folks like acupuncturists, chiropractors, naturopathic doctors, medical doctors, reputable energy healers, massage therapists, physical and occupational therapists, social workers, and clinical psychologists are all phenomenal resources. Many insurance companies now cover many of these services, especially in cases of chronic pain. If you need to, have a friend or family member help you call around to find a good fit for what you need.
Giving economic safety
One of the very real risks of setting Artful Boundaries is a change in relationship structure and dynamics. If you set boundaries in your marriage, there’s a risk of that marriage ending. If you set boundaries at home or at work, there’s a risk of being let go.
Both situations carry the added risk of financial instability and insecurity. The big bad scary of being left out of work and on the street.
While it can feel like staring over the edge of a cliff to set boundaries in these situations, here are some ways you can start to build a bridge to the other side:
Get help with a job search. So many folks’ businesses operate with the sole purpose of helping others find a career they adore. Drop me a line if you would like some reputable names.
Consider going back to school. Is there a certification or degree that would make you more marketable? Begin to explore ways it might be possible to make this happen.
Call a friend, family member, or trusted mentor for some support. Talk out your situation and see if you can develop an exit strategy, should you need one sooner than later.
Keep and maintain your own bank account(s) if you don’t already. Even if you’re married, it’s a-okay to have your own accounts. I know many, many (happily) married couples who maintain both joint and individual finances. Most women have been taught this is unacceptable, but the truth is that the more economic independence you have, the more freedom of choice you have in every way.
If you’re in an abusive situation, reach out for support in a way that feels safe. Use a public computer and/or clear your browsing history. Some resources include the National Domestic Violence Hotline, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and a US state by state directory of resources is available here.
Disguising your capital-T Truth
Friend, this is MASSIVE. Gigantic. The Mount Everest of reasons don’t set good boundaries.
So many folks don’t set boundaries, because, if they did, they’d have to face who they actually are, which is scary as all get out. You first have to get to know yourself well enough to know the boundaries you need. Then you’ve got to buckle down and figure out what to do once you’ve set them.
It is, after all, our ocean-vast well of power that terrifies the living crap out of us. If you give yourself the space to be who you are, the fact that you’re powerful beyond your comprehension is something crushingly real to contend with. If you know who you are and what a power player you are, your excuse to play small evaporates.
If you start to face the truth that is You, changes will demand to be made. Relationships may be lost. Your diet may shift. Daily patterns won’t serve anymore and need changing. It could be that career is a dead end for your spirit.
AND THEN WHAT?!?!?!?!
It makes absolute sense to not set boundaries to keep yourself small.
If you’re ready to stand on the shores and witness the vast ocean that is You, here are some ways to get started:
Practice loving self-talk. Talk to yourself as you would a two year old, letting yourself know in simple, easy terms that yep, this is totally really terrifying, and you’re going to get through it.
Begin to explore your curiosity. Always wanted to learn to blow glass? Go find a class. Itching to get your hands in some dirt? Go replace some sod with veggies or locate a community garden. Take the first step towards something you’re curious about, even if it’s simply a web search about how or where to do something.
Notice the spark of your heart. You have moments when your heart swells to a size you didn’t even know was available to you. More often, you have moments (before your mind smothers it) when your heart sparks at something, leaping with just a * touch * of interest and excitement. Set an intention to see these moments, and add them to your list of curiosities to check out.
Explore what it means for you to be in your body. This includes everything from figuring out movement you actually enjoy, to eating mindfully, to sexuality, to keying in to sensations throughout the day like how you feel before and after a meal, or when your jaw gets tense at work. What feels awesome? What feels not so awesome? How can you facilitate more of the awesome?
Name your fear. What does it mean if you’re tapped in to your capital-T Truth and running on your god-given universal power of co-creation?? What parts of that are awesome, and which parts are pants-sh*tting terrifying?
Book a Human Design Reading. Sometimes it’s tough to tap into the capital-T Truth. Human Design gives you a clear, objective road map about how you best operate and how to live into your purpose in this life. (*Readings are done by yours truly.)
Consider who you would be if left to your own devices. Pick one small way to start being that person anywhere and everywhere.
Acting as a time-turner
Not setting boundaries gives you a bit of breathing room while you’re making a decision. In order for you to make a lasting change, you’ve got to first think about it. Then that information needs to drip down into your embodied awareness. Then your identity needs to shift so that you now identify as a person who does x, y, or z.
Only after all this does lasting change happen.
Friend, this can take some TIME. Sure, your mind is on board, but are you ready to shift your identity yet? It’s really alright if the answer is ‘no’ … your lack of boundaries are supporting you by keeping you safe in known patterns while you figure out what’s next.
Maybe you’re not ready to dive in and shift the family dynamics by saying ‘no’ to yet another alcohol-fueled political throw-down with your family at the holidays because you’re not sure about what the implications of that are for you or your family. Fair enough. See if you’re ready next year.
Here are a few ways to align your internal and external timing:
Do some best case/worst case planning. Ideally, how would you have things go? What would you most like to say? What feels most possible to say? What’s the possible fall-out, realistically speaking?
Accept you are where you’re at. It’s alright. No judgement. It’s 100% a-ok if you’re not at a spot where you can tell Uncle Joe to hush up about his political issue du jour.
Start small. In our example, maybe talk to a family member you feel closer to about your concerns. Ask them to be an ally for you. Or perhaps enlist a friend to attend with you for support. Brainstorm no fewer than 10 ways you might start setting some small boundaries for yourself.
Use the Artful Boundaries Guidebook for ideas to get you humming along.
Bolstering your identity
Women are trained to be ‘good’ — to listen only, not to speak up or out, to be of service at the cost of everything else. For many, then, setting boundaries means violating the foundation of what it means to be a ‘good’ person. A ‘good’ mother, wife, daughter, friend, employee, manger, sister… you name it. A worthwhile person. Someone who is valuable and important in her spheres of influence.
Not setting boundaries then allows you to maintain a positive self-image condoned by society at large. This is a big, big, BIG deal, because not maintaining that image means not only that you’re ‘bad,’ but that you’re worthless. If you take time for yourself or say no you’re a terrible mother, wife, daughter, friend… you name it.
Not a one of us wants to be labeled as bad or worthless or not bringing value to the people and places we care about, so of course you avoid boundary setting! 2+2 still = 4, no?
Start to re-frame what ‘good’ means to you outside of the conditioning of micro and macro cultures in these ways:
Name where you got these ideas about what it means to be ‘good.’ Where did you learn what it means to be a valuable woman/mother/daughter/wife/etc? This voice/these voices probably weren’t yours originally, so parse out whose voice that is, exactly.
Choose your own adventure. What do YOU think ‘good’ is in all of your roles? What’s ‘good enough’? What can you drop to get to ‘good enough’?
Get real about what’s * Actually * harmful to the people you care about. Is your kid going to die if they eat fast food one night a week? Nope! Will they benefit from a more relaxed mom? Yep!
Start having real conversations with other women about the issue of being a ‘good’ woman and all the baggage that carries. What bags can you leave behind? You can join an upcoming conversation in the next cycle of the Artful Boundary Mastermind — get on the list here.
For goodness sake, get off social media. It’s tough to stop the comparison game when you’re 1,000 swipes in at 1:00AM.
Give yourself permission. If you can’t give it to yourself, here it is: you have permission to be YOUR definition of good or good enough.
Build out. What else is important to your identity besides being ‘good’? How can you cultivate those things?
Go read (or listen to) Tiffany Dufu’s book Drop the Ball. She sets a phenomenal example of what it means to be good enough while walking through all the grit that comes along with learning to set healthful boundaries, all while being a women who helps those coming along behind her up with grace and style. Seriously, go get your copy!
Serving as a cozy clutter nest
Not setting boundaries lets you get lost in the clutter of your life.
Maybe you’ve got a garage or basement you’ll tackle… eventually. So stuff just gets tossed in, piles upon piles. Ugh, you’ll get back to it… one day.
Same thing happens emotionally when you’re not setting good boundaries. The clutter might serve you because of any of the reasons we’ve already walked through. Or, it may simply be that the empty spaces are intimidating and scary.
When I was unemployed from 2013-2014, the worst part of it was the vast expanse of an unplanned, unfilled day. It sent anxiety shivers through my spine just about every morning. I adored Sundays because at least I had a routine: Get up, shower, walk to church, sit in church, walk to a coffee shop, go home, eat, go to the park or Powells and read before heading home for dinner and some TV. Every other day of the week was routine-less, too spacious hell. How do you even fill a day??
Freedom is scary. There’s almost too much potential. You don’t want to spend your time or energy wrong. No, you want to make the best, biggest, most impactful use of them! So what to choose?
Not having good boundaries takes away those choices by default. If you don’t have time to think because you’ve said yes to everyone else, there’s no empty space. There’s barely time to breathe.
If those wide expanses make you want to burrow into the clutter even deeper, here’s how to Marie Kondo your emotional clutter:
Practice meditation, 15, then 20, then 30 minutes.
Take up the mantra “Empty time and space is safe.”
Reflect: What freedom would you absolutely adore to have? Why? What would you do with that time or space or money? Feel into that exciting possibility.
Explore the poetry of Mary Oliver. She has a way of distilling the freedom of a good life into its most appealing parts. See if her poems don’t inspire you a bit.
Experiment with new routines. Maybe save Saturday or Sunday as a ‘I do what I want!’ day. At least block out an hour a week (minimum) that you get to fill with whatever strikes you as fun or interesting in the moment. Whether you genuinely want to work or run or read or sleep or dance… anything goes!
Wherever you’re at with your boundaries, give yourself some grace and compassion. You’re not doing anything wrong, and however easy or difficult it feels right now is exactly right. At a minimum, consider the benefits you’re getting from not setting good boundaries.
And remember, there aren’t any ‘bad’ habits, just habits that are more or less healthy over the long term!
Listen to the companion episode of Ponder and Practice: