Ready for Life to be Easy? Artful Boundaries Will Get You There.
One of the top 10 best feelings is walking away from something like “wow. that was way easier than I thought!”
That’s how I want you to feel everyday of your life. The relief of things being so gosh-darn easy it’s almost puzzling how it could be so. For your friends to look at you in amazement that you seem to somehow. be so bright and shining, confident and well-rested.
Depending on how well you like them, you can let them in on the secret I’m about to tell you: it boils down to your boundaries.
Absolutely nothing makes life easier than well-placed, thoughtful (read: Artful) boundaries.
Read on for the five types of ease you’ll find when you learn to set Artful Boundaries.
Emotional Ease
Without boundaries, your heart and mind race with all the things you’ve still got to do. You’re never present in this moment because you’re thinking to the next one, and then the one after that. You can’t access joy or contentment because you’re juggling 20 balls, afraid you’re going to drop at least 10 of them.
Plus the squirming discomfort of not knowing how to say ‘no’ when someone asks you to be on this or that committee, or to bring a meal, or join them at the bar, or head up a new project, or this or that or the other.
Life is nothing sort stressful and overwhelming without boundaries. You end up holding yourself hostage, and experience anxiety, irritation, resentment, and anger from not being able to be free of the demands of others.
In other words, it feels, excuse me, shitty, to not be in control of your life.
Artful boundaries put you back in the drivers seat. Instead of having a revolving door of drivers (Mom to boss to friend to spouse to client to {insert person here}) you’re firmly buckled in with a full tank of gas, your favorite road snacks, a fresh Starbucks from the drive through in your cupholder, and your GPS fired up and ready to go.
The relief! You can go absolutely anywhere you want!
Being able to set boundaries helps you to find the ease of the space that exists underneath the weight of your overwhelm, stress, anger, resentment, and anxiety.
Contained within that space are things like fun, joy, happiness, contentment, curiosity, love, lust, motivation, interest… all the emotions that make life vibrant and juicy.
Physical Ease
We’ve covered the emotional stress that comes from poor boundary setting, but what about the physical stress? I promise you, one does not come without the other.
Check out the tension of your jaw and where your shoulders are right now if you don’t believe me.
Take a second and relax them both.
Ahh.
While you can read allll the ways poor boundaries take a physical toll on your body in this article, and even more about what a mess it’s making of your sleep, for our purposes here, let’s agree that there are some basic physical effects that are quickly reversed with good boundary setting skills.
Things like: muscle tension, upset digestion, headaches, poor sleep, high blood pressure, back pain, decreased cognitive ability.
Eww.
Nobody got time for that nonsense!
As you learn to set boundaries, the relaxation will creep back into your muscles. Those headaches will disappear as mysteriously as they came. You’ll sleep like a cat on a sunny day in the perfect sunbeam. Your digestion will be as regular as a German train.
Psychological Ease
When you don’t have good boundaries, your mind races:
How will I say no?
I can’t say no!
If I say no they’ll be mad. She’s going to give me hell.
I’ll get fired for sure if I try to get out of this.
Oh my goodness I have too much to do.
There’s no way I can get all this done.
What was I thinking.
I want to get out of this but I can’t go back on my word.
Oh, shoot, I forgot all about that!
And on and on and on. Causing you anxiety and feeding into the tension of your body. Which of course then feed back into the cycle of cyclic thoughts, and on and on and on. It seems impossible to find a beginning or end.
Boundary setting is the end of that cycle. Artful Boundaries is like dreading to use a roll of clear packing tape (who can ever find the end?!!) and finding that the last person folded over so all you have to do is pull. Nothing eases the mind like feeling relaxed in your body, knowing you’re in control of your life, and understanding how to drive in the direction you want to go.
The ability to say no respectfully, easily, and, most important, effectively will quiet your mind like nothing else but a month-long vacation could. Except great boundary setting skills create an island paradise you’ll never need to leave!
Ease in Relationships
Let’s be honest. Your relationships are suffering if you’re not setting good Artful Boundaries.
In all likelihood you’re shying away from setting boundaries because you’re afraid the other person will leave, or give you hell to pay, or be unhappy with you for not being fully available to them whenever they decide. You think it helps your relationships because you’re supposed to be helpful, always. You’re supposed to honor your mother in the way she says, never mind what’s True for you.
What’s actually happening is this: you’re allowing everyone involved to play small by not engaging with life.
Let’s picture some relationships in the media (keeping in mind my exceedingly limited knowledge of pop culture) to see what this looks like.
First, you could think about Dorothy and Sophia, from the Golden Girls. This is a mother/daughter duo that has absolutely zero problem with boundaries. Both are vibrant, healthy women who engage fully with the world around them, whatever their age. They speak freely with one another, are clear with their expectations, upsets, and care for one another. Dorothy doesn’t try to hold Sophia back for her age, and Sophia leaves Dorothy to live her life as she sees fit. Is there commentary from both parties? Sure, but it’s a TV show after all.
We love sitcoms for that perfect blend of drama and comedy, a drink best stirred by dysfunctional relationships. There are few better examples of a fully dysfunctional but functioning family than Everybody Loves Raymond. Particularly the relationship between Raymond and his mother Marie. Fair enough, Marie loves her son and dotes on him. Dotes on him to smothering excess. Unable to set clear boundaries with his mother (who drops by unannounced, offers unsolicited opinions, etc), Raymond is essentially a man child with a full-time job. He ‘gets into trouble’ with his mother for things his wife does, with his wife for things his mother does… no one is particularly happy, and the dynamics certainly aren’t particularly healthy. What escape is a man to take but go golfing?
Some other great examples (of all sorts of helpful and not so helpful boundaries) to consider are the animated films Frozen, Tangled, Ralph Breaks the Internet along with shows like The Gilmore Girls, The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, and The Mandalorian.
Ease in Your Own Skin
Everyone — everyone — I talk to at one point or another says this: “I just want to be myself, but I feel like I can’t.”
Real talk: you feel like you can’t because you’re holding yourself hostage within the expectations of absolutely everyone else. That’s a mighty tight cage, my love.
You can start to break it bar by bar by setting boundaries:
"No, I’m sorry, I can’t make that. Maybe next time!” Ping! A bar of the cage breaks.
“Thanks so much for asking! I can’t right now, but have you asked Sally?” Ping!
“It sounds like you really care about my well being, mom. I’m going to figure this one out on my own.” Ping!
“Oh that looks delicious, but I’m not drinking tonight.” Ping!
“I’m not comfortable sharing that part of my life with you, but thanks for your interest!” Ping!
“That’s great you found a diet that works for you — mine works great for me too!” Ping!
“Well, it’s a personal decision I’ve put a lot of thought into. It’s not up for discussion.” Ping!
"I can help you on Saturday morning or you can ask a friend. Which is best for you?” Ping! Ping! Ping!
Before you know it, you’re free, save from the only expectation that matters: your own.
You’re designed, cell by cell, DNA strand by DNA strand, protein by protein, fiber by fiber, organ by organ, hair by hair to be 100% exactly who you are.
And you know innately who that is because that’s what feels easiest. You’re your full self when you feel absolutely comfortable, fully relaxed, and breathing the rarified air of ease in all you do.
What must that be like?